megaman2:

megaman2:

“mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was…… extremely silly?”

“no, i said she was fucking goofy”

please stop reblogging this i stole this joke from my brother

‎*Mom hands me phone to answer*

Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
Me: I have no mother.
Her: Well can I speak to your father?
Me: Yeah, which one?
Her: Which one is home?
Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.
Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
Her: So who's Antonio?
Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
Her: So Carlos was cheating?
Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
Me: I never said that.
Her: Yes, yes you did!
Me: No I didn't.
Her: Y-yes! You did!
Me: Did what?
Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.

lolzpicx:

when I’m hungry but too lazy to move

thefandommenace:

I just want a fruit salad that isn’t 98% of these fucking things 

thefrogman:

I am a team player. 

Youtube Comedy Week - Daily Rundown #1 (◡‿◡✿)

sometimes i listen to music from my childhood and im just like, “sex! she was talking about sex!? i thought she just liked Aladdin a lot!”

pastelbat:

The only dates i get are updates

Me on my way to steal yo man

thrillionaire:

just spooning my boyfriend

out of his container

it’s ice cream